The 1st in a series of 3 articles.
My wife, Joyce, and I have had the privilege of raising fours sons, all of whom were avid athletes. To make matters even more interesting, Dad was often the coach. As we look back at our parenting skills over those days, we often comment on how much we learned about how to communicate with our children. We feel a bit sorry for our oldest son – the guinea pig – as we bumbled along through trial and error. It would have been very helpful if someone had given us a few hints on how to be more effective parents. That’s the reason for this article. I don’t want to come across as an expert. All I have is some experience and I’d like to pass it along.
After The Game - Advocate vs Adversary
An advocate means to “come along side to help”. An adversary means “to come against - as in, attack”. I’m not proud of the fact that after a game, I would often “should” all over our oldest.
“In the fourth quarter, you should’a did this. Then, you could’a did that. If only you would’a . . .”
His response to this type of communication was often negative, especially in the later teen years. Hey, I just wanted to help him get better. But what I didn’t realize was that my “help” was perceived as an ATTACK. What happens when a person is attacked? You guessed it. They either attack back or they retreat. Do they learn whatever nugget of wisdom you were trying to convey? Absolutely not!
Here’s one of the ways I later learned that both helped our son’s game and helped build our relationship as well.
TIP: Compliment and Challenge
Start out with a compliment. Pick out something you saw that was good. Be honest. Don’t make stuff up. Kids know if they’ve done well or not. It may go something like this,
“You did an excellent job distributing the ball tonight. I was impressed at how unselfish you were.”
If you did see some area where they could improve, challenge them.
“I did notice something that may help to improve your game. When you’re ready – not right now –
let me know. I’d like to run it past you and get your opinion.”
By not ATTACKING, the lines of communication are open. By having them come to you, they set the time to listen. By asking their opinion of your idea, you cause them to think through what you are saying. Plus, you don’t come across as the great “know it all” – “my way is the only way”. Both of you are working together, trying to see if there is a way to improve. The parent becomes an advocate – coming along side to help - instead of an adversary. Whenever I used this method, and I did this many times, never once did our sons fail to come back and ask, “Dad, you said you wanted to run something by me that might help my game. What was it?.” When this happens, NOW we have a “teachable moment”. Better yet, we have a moment that “builds” the relationship between parent and child.